where be the masters to guide me on this journey?
to help me to conquer the thoughts that pour
into my meditations. to steer me onto the right
path. to pull me out of the quagmire when i can't
quite find my footing.
so often i feel i am in this alone. tromping through
the brush, searching for an opening.... into what? i
don't know. into the right door? the right time?
sometimes i just forget to listen. i fill my space with
noise that drowns out what i need to hear.
the calm, soothing sounds telling me to be patient.
to be in the moment. telling me that it's all here.
it's all now. to just be still. to just be. just be.
and i know this to be true. that it's all here inside me.
that i just need to be still. to listen. to be.

wandering around inside my head
i trip over memories of the past.
clutter needing to be tossed out
like this mornings coffee grounds.
i tiptoe around a spinning wine bottle,
an image of dad, broken, walking away
suitcase in hand.i trip over myself huddled
in my bed under the covers, hearing
what i am certain is the devils voice
beckoning me to come down these
stairs. but the house has no stairs.
piles of memories are every where.
reminders of a broken childhood
of sadness.but i'm sure that if i seach
long enough, i'll find smiles,
and laughter, scattered among the
tears and pain, as i wander around
inside my head.

i see them display their wares
on street corners . offering a good
time in exchange for money.
i see the desperation in their eyes.
what do they need? food? drugs?
rent ?
i think of myself, standing on one of
those corners. i don't need
the money...just to be held, and made
to feel special and needed.
would they see the desperation in
my eyes?

i feel an energy pouring out
of my heart chakra. reaching out to
the universe, begging to be filled
with the love that i so desire.
to be rid of this loneliness that
haunts me in my waking hours.
it's like a magnet pulling,
trying to grab onto something
that will ease this feeling.
this feeling of loneliness when
i'm surrounded by friends.
this feeling of need as i sit
here alone wanting to cry
for no reason. i'm here..
i'm here..i'm here..find me!
i want to feel that sensation,
when the magnet and the energy
connect. that orgasm of becoming
one..that primal explosion, making
me feel whole again.

gone are the days waking
to the joys of christmas
wrappings on the floor.
as i walk through this
empty place alone
i see i've been gifted.
the sun is shining brightly
through my window.
laying gently on the snow
and ice outdoors.
she beckons me to feel
her warmth. a great
peace fills me. the gifts
i am blessed with are
more than the eye can see.
i smile in gratitude. i
breathe in this new day.
i wrap myself in joy.
Merry Christmas.

it's official now.
winter solstice arrived
amidst a snowstorm.
swirling snow funnel clouds
dance around in the back yard
to the tunes of the howling wind.

go ahead, throw the dice he said
staring into my sighs. i dare you!
what have i got to lose, i asked.
gazing into his eyes, i tossed them into the air.
watching them fall over the ledge,
he dove after them.
he never could figure out when i
was bluffing.
i took another sip of my drink,
smiled, and waited for the sunset.