i see them display their wares
on street corners . offering a good
time in exchange for money.
i see the desperation in their eyes.
what do they need? food? drugs?
rent ?
i think of myself, standing on one of
those corners. i don't need
the money...just to be held, and made
to feel special and needed.
would they see the desperation in
my eyes?

i feel an energy pouring out
of my heart chakra. reaching out to
the universe, begging to be filled
with the love that i so desire.
to be rid of this loneliness that
haunts me in my waking hours.
it's like a magnet pulling,
trying to grab onto something
that will ease this feeling.
this feeling of loneliness when
i'm surrounded by friends.
this feeling of need as i sit
here alone wanting to cry
for no reason. i'm here..
i'm here..i'm here..find me!
i want to feel that sensation,
when the magnet and the energy
connect. that orgasm of becoming
one..that primal explosion, making
me feel whole again.

gone are the days waking
to the joys of christmas
wrappings on the floor.
as i walk through this
empty place alone
i see i've been gifted.
the sun is shining brightly
through my window.
laying gently on the snow
and ice outdoors.
she beckons me to feel
her warmth. a great
peace fills me. the gifts
i am blessed with are
more than the eye can see.
i smile in gratitude. i
breathe in this new day.
i wrap myself in joy.
Merry Christmas.

it's official now.
winter solstice arrived
amidst a snowstorm.
swirling snow funnel clouds
dance around in the back yard
to the tunes of the howling wind.

go ahead, throw the dice he said
staring into my sighs. i dare you!
what have i got to lose, i asked.
gazing into his eyes, i tossed them into the air.
watching them fall over the ledge,
he dove after them.
he never could figure out when i
was bluffing.
i took another sip of my drink,
smiled, and waited for the sunset.

guilt! why is it so easy to be drawn into the whirlpool of guilt? here i am floating around, no, Flailing around, trying not to drown. it's murkiness takes away my breath. the heaviness pulls me under. i bob briefly above it, thinking i'm finally safe and suddenly get pulled back down by unseen tentacles. my heart beats fast, i feel pain in the pit of my stomach. i want to tuck myself into the fetal position and sleep, but i can't seem to so much as float in here. i am drowning. i feel like the green slimy scum that sits where the water is stagnant. i need someone to reach into the darkness and pull me to safety. but i realize that i have to save myself. i need to conquer this master of deception. to see it for what it is. it's not always nice to look at. sometimes it brings on more pain. but once i get past the sludge and green slime, things will be clear again.

babe is my landladys horse. she lives in my backyard.

on the third day of firearm deer season, i noticed her standing in the back of the pasture, gazing out over the dormant meadow into the woods. i wondered if she understood what was going on. if she was looking for the friends that come to share the pastures with her , wondering if she will see any of them again.

i've an agreement with the spiders here. they don't bite me and i don't squish them or toss them out into the cold. so they dwell with me in this small apartment and keep their part of the agreement, and i keep mine.
i guess i should have included my other housemates, the stinkbugs who've joined my menagerie. i walked into the bathroom to find one wrapped in a fine web and being watched over by it's captor. i wanted to confront the spider on the etiquette of apartment living. respect others, live and let live and all that. i realize they need to eat too, so decide that i'll just have to let them do their thing.
but i walk into the bathroom and see the mummified stinkbug on the floor, and realize it was not dinner. it just got caught up in the spider web..and the spider did what it does.. i need to warn the others to stay clear of the webs..